Fatherhood lost: The hidden pain of abortion

By Magdalin Leonardo, The Catholic Sun
August 2, 2007

An estimated 30 million American women have had at least one abortion since the landmark 1973 Roe v. Wade U.S. Supreme Court decision legalized abortion on demand.

The psychological suffering and grief endured by these women, widely publicized in pro-life circles, has been well-documented. But what about the fathers of aborted babies? Do they suffer too? 

National organizations like Rachel’s Vineyard and Silent No More have helped many women to heal and come to terms with their decision to abort a child.

Now they’re starting to help a growing number of men do the same. 

Anthony, who requested anonymity, is a 40-something business owner from Phoenix. He attended his first Rachel’s Vineyard retreat in 2005. Like many who’ve attended these weekend events, it was a life-changing experience, he said.

“If you had something to do with someone having an abortion, you may not realize that you have a problem,” he said. “I was detached from my girlfriend’s abortion until I went to that retreat. Seeing the pain that women have gone through really opened up my eyes. I came away with a greater awareness of abortion’s effect on women.”

For many men, it’s that very awareness that helps them heal after an abortion experience. Kathy Richau, retreat facilitator of the Scottsdale Rachel’s Vineyard group, said, “Many men and women struggle to hide their feelings of shame and guilt after an abortion experience. This is especially true of men, who are not always encouraged to show their emotions.”

“At Rachel’s Vineyard, we focus on emotional and spiritual healing,” she added. “It’s a safe place where men and women can share their stories without judgment.”

Rachel’s Vineyard, which began as a handful of retreats in 1995 in Pennsylvania, has grown to 500 retreats annually in 47 states and 17 countries. It attracts a wide variety of people: married couples, mothers, fathers, grandparents and siblings of aborted children — even those who have been involved in the abortion industry. Men, however, are in the minority.

Phoenix resident Jason Baier is no stranger to the hidden pain of abortion. In 1995, Baier lost his only child to abortion when his then-girlfriend decided to end a pregnancy. He fell into a deep depression and sought help. But it was hard for a man recovering from an abortion experience to find help.

“I tried it all: 12-step programs, Bible study groups, therapy,” he said. “It took me a decade to heal, but the most healing experience I had was with Rachel’s Vineyard.”

Baier was only one of two men at his Rachel’s Vineyard retreat, but he is forever grateful for the experience.

“Too many people think that men shouldn’t have any feelings after an abortion, but they do,” Baier said. “Women need to hear the story of abortion from a guy’s perspective. Shared stories of abortion can help both sides heal.”

Baier felt so strongly about men sharing their stories that he created Fatherhood Forever Foundation, a not-for-profit organization that focuses specifically on the effects of abortion on men. Established in 2005, the mission of Fatherhood Forever is to create awareness that abortion has an impact on men and to provide encouragement and resources to those seeking help.

Currently, Fatherhood Forever focuses on three key elements: awareness, healing and testimonies.

Since its inception, Fatherhood Forever has joined forces with other post-abortion and pro-life organizations, including Rachel’s Vineyard.

Fatherhood Forever’s Web site offers hope and healing through news and related resources, including links to additional Web sites, book reviews, and a newsletter.

Baier’s decision to join the pro-life cause after his personal healing from an abortion experience is not unusual. Many volunteers at Rachel’s Vineyard have been helped by the organization’s retreats.

“They say it’s healing for women to see a man at a retreat,” Anthony said. “But I see it as an answered prayer. God has given me an opportunity to help people get the spiritual healing they need… a healing that can only come through Jesus.”