Deacons balance family life with ministry

By Claudia I. Provencio, The Catholic Sun
August 2, 2007

Balancing family, employer and parish needs are all in a day’s work for deacons, but many acknowledge it’s easier said than done.

Like priests, they are considered clergy, have a specialized role in the Mass, are official teachers and preachers of the Gospel and preside at baptisms, weddings and funerals.

Yet, unlike priests, deacons are primarily called to serve outside the parish and have a unique ministry to the poor.

“Serving the poor and the suffering is not easy,” said Deacon Keith Davis, associate director of formation for the Phoenix Diocese’s Office of the Diaconate.  

“Besides the encounters with those who suffer and entering into their pain, deacons are basically on call 24/7 — ready to serve,” he added. “This places some stress on the family who has to make concessions for a ministry in which they might not directly share.”

“This is why wives and children are included in the formation experience of a man discerning the diaconate,” he said. Wives must give their assent for admission and for ordination.

When Roberta Carr’s husband, Mike, first approached her about becoming a deacon, she was hesitant.

Deacon Carr had always been involved in parish life. For years, he helped returning Catholics transition back to the Church and others to get baptized and confirmed, but he’d never considered being a deacon until others saw deacon-like qualities in him.

And when his parish priest also asked him if he’d considered this vocation, the Carrs knew the calling could no longer be ignored.

“The rewards are being a service to people, a Christ-like example. Even if I am not present when Michael is doing his diaconate duties, I am doing my part by doing whatever needs to be done in his absence,” said Roberta, who ministers to engaged couples alongside her husband at St. Andrew the Apostle Parish in Chandler.

“He has missed some family activities and trips because he was needed elsewhere, but I knew that would happen when he was ordained,” she said, adding that she misses sitting next to him at Mass.

Rose Mary Kloft, whose husband Lee has been a deacon for 18 years, said the sacrifices involved are different for everyone.

Some deacons have young families that require a greater balance of their time. Other deacons are retired from their professions and are more available.

“By the time my husband was ordained, he was retired from his job so he was able to give more time to the Church, like doing internments during the week,” said the St. Gregory parishioner.

“He realizes how important it is when he does funerals… He realized it’s important for him to go and be with families when they gather at homes following the funeral as a representative of the Church.”

To help wives and future deacons understand the scope of a deacon’s ministry as a “holy servant leader,” the diocese offers a comprehensive formation process.

Accepted applicants attend formation events and theology classes, undergo testing and join a “discernment circle,” a group of men and their wives who meet monthly to pray and discuss vocational issues.

“I enjoyed going to the classes. It was tremendous and I learned a lot,” Kloft said. “But it is something that the whole family has got to support for it to work.”

Kloft took classes on topics like ecclesiology, women in the Church and the liturgy, while her husband attended classes on writing homilies and hospital ministry.

In addition to a theological education, the diocese hosts retreats for deacons and their families to fellowship with one another.

“It is a great place to go and let your hair down among other wives who share the same feelings,” Carr said. “You can learn how they have handled various situations.”

While the diocese has an extensive formation that can be a nearly five-year process, Deacon Davis said the diaconate is not for everyone.

“A person who feels called to the diaconate must search their heart to see if they truly measure up to what it means to be a holy servant leader,” he said. “They must not do this on their own. Their family, parish community, friends should be consulted. And they should be people of prayer, ministry and scholarship.”

Mike Carr, a deacon for seven years, said being in the spotlight was the biggest personal adjustment.

“It truly is a grace to be able to serve others and be able to balance the many things that happen in my life and still be a presence to others and to let them know that Christ is with us all through the power of the Spirit,” he said.