MARRIAGE MATTERS

Engaged weekend, part 2: Hot topics generate discussion

By Andrew Junker | April 16, 2009 | The Catholic Sun

Much of the time at our “Love for Life Engaged Weekend” dealt with sexuality.

This topic was covered under two separate talks, “Sexuality and Freedom” and the “Sacramentality of Marriage.” Sandwiched between these two talks was “Stewardship: Finances in Marriage.”

In my notes, I grouped the three talks under the heading “Sex and Money,” which sounds like a bad TV show. In fact, it sounds a lot like the kind of show that would endorse everything the talks were trying to fight against.

I don’t think you have be a crotchety, old grandpa to recognize that current sexual mores often mix a belief in total personal autonomy with an unhealthy dose of exhibitionism that can result in a host of ills: infidelity, divorce, pornography, sex addiction, and on and on.

The Church offers a view of human sexuality very separate from the one listed above. It’s based on a different idea of intimacy, self-sacrifice and what it means to give oneself fully to another.

It requires looking at the world sacramentally — where a physical object or act often points to an invisible reality — and it draws heavily on the encyclical Humanae Vitae and John Paul II’s writings on the topic, which are known collectively as “Theology of the Body.”

But having this teaching and transmitting it successfully to the flock are two very different things. Most Catholics use contraception during their marriage and there were a number of couples at the engagement weekend already cohabitating.

Self-giving love

So, how do you present the teaching and actually have people follow it? In my experience, whenever a youth leader or Catholic speaker spoke to my peers and me about sex, the result was always disastrous.

The disasters always seemed to be the same. Sometimes, the speaker would get way too excited about his or her audience’s future marital unions.

“God wants you to have great sex!”

I’ve had this yelled at me by well-meaning people on more than one occasion. It always makes me feel uncomfortable for them, for myself, for — well, for just about everybody involved.

Other speakers or youth leaders would also make a mistake in trying to portray sexual continence or chastity as actually being the “cool” or “transgressive” lifestyle, and promiscuity as being the lifestyle of conformists and losers.

I can understand why they would want to do this, especially when talking to teens, for whom peer pressure and the desire to fit in is great. But I don’t think the tactic really convinced anyone to remain chaste.

At any rate, I was interested to hear the arguments put forth for the Catholic teaching on sexuality at the engagement weekend, just to see if the message was being transmitted any better these days.

And I think the teachers at the weekend did a very good job. They presented sexuality in the context of self-giving love, much as marriage itself was presented. It needs to be given freely and totally in the context of fidelity, and it needs to be fruitful.

But, perhaps most importantly, they didn’t try to minimize the sacrifice necessary in marriage, and, therefore, in sexuality. Of course, it would simplify a number of things to use contraception in our marriage or to cohabitate before getting married.

The presenters tried to show that the Church doesn’t make these things difficult for the sake of being difficult, but because — when these truths are fully lived out — they help bring the couple happiness and even play a part in their salvation.

Compare budgets

The married couple presenting on “Sexuality and Freedom” mentioned that a couple of times. The main goal in being married is to help get your spouse into heaven.

That’s not something you ever hear, and it sounds so strange and foreign that I had a hard time even typing it out at first. And I’m a cradle Catholic who spent all of his formative years in Catholic schools.

It’s a terrifying responsibility in many ways, and yet, like a lot of Church teaching properly presented, it cuts through a lot of confusion and distraction and presents what is ultimately important.

After that, the talk on stewardship and money felt pretty mundane. Everyone had to come up with a monthly budget and then compare it with their affianced’s list.

I’m a writer and a musician and Sarah’s a schoolteacher, so our budget is refreshingly… simple. Our only big divergence was on budgeting for new clothes.

As my co-workers can attest, my wardrobe consists of three pairs of pants and four collared shirts all in various stages of disintegration, so my yearly clothing expenditure is pretty low.

But I graciously assented to upping the clothing budget, telling Sarah I refused to get mired in such worldly concerns. I was intent on other things, like getting her into heaven.

I’m still trying to decode the uproarious laughter she gave me in response to that.