MARRIAGE MATTERS

Journey to the altar complete: ‘Sun’ staff writer married in July

By Andrew Junker | Aug. 6, 2009 | The Catholic Sun

The last time I wrote one of these columns I was all too hastily complaining about the FOCCUS test.

In a couple of in-person comments and letters, I was duly chastened on a couple of counts. Firstly, FOCCUS is not a test. Repeat: FOCCUS is not a test. It is, rather, an inventory.

Secondly, people told me to wait until we met with our FOCCUS couple before making any judgment.

I wish I had, because it turned out that our two meetings with the couple proved to be some of the best and most helpful time Sarah and I spent during our engagement.

The meetings allowed us to discuss and refine our thoughts and decisions on nearly every aspect of married life.

As I wrote before, our only major red flag during the assessment showed itself in the financial portion. During the discussion with our FOCCUS couple, it was revealed that the low score was due to both of us answering many questions “unsure,” and not because we disagreed with each other.

And by the time of the meetings, we had already come up with a firm financial plan. I’m going to start day trading.

Just kidding. That would be a terrible idea.

Perhaps the best thing about the FOCCUS meetings was the couple we met with. They offered good advice, were serious about their task without being dour, and fostered good communication between Sarah and me.

We were even a little sad that we wouldn’t see them again after our second meeting.

Sarah left for San Antonio the next day. I remained in Phoenix for one more week, trying to put together an Ikea bureau for our apartment. I was unsuccessful, and I’m dreading its accusatory pieces greeting us when we return from our honeymoon in San Francisco.

Wedding week

By the time I arrived in San Antonio the Monday before our Saturday wedding, there wasn’t much left to do. We got our marriage license, our rings, made the wedding programs, and bought some gifts for our wedding party.

Mostly, though, we just spent time together, shared our mini-panic attacks with each other, and charted my rising nausea and neck pain. You know, getting into the swing of things for the next 60 or so years.

Everyone we talked to said we wouldn’t remember much of our wedding and reception, and that was true to an extent.

What I do remember is that it was everything we think a Catholic wedding should be. The Mass was beautiful and solemn, and the reception was a joyous affair that, at its heights, turned almost raucous.

Throughout the night, something our priest said during the homily kept reverberating inside of me.

He mentioned the importance of getting married in the Church and in a church. It’s a public event, and members of the congregation are not merely spectators, but are witnesses to a sacrament.

He said it’s a good sign and start to a marriage, because being married is not something for two people to collapse into and retreat from the world. In fact, married couples are called to be salt and light to the world.

He told us that we may do this in many different ways. It could be as un-dramatic as loving each other well and raising our children. We can give our time to our neighbors or our parish or the Society of St. Vincent de Paul.

He said we may never know the impact a married couple has had on the world. The spiritual economy can be difficult, if not often impossible, for humans to measure.

But, of course, God knows, and He loves and bears up married couples who live out their lives in sacrifice and generosity.

It was a good homily to hear and it granted me an opportunity to think briefly of all the married couples we encountered during our engagement.

The couples who talked to us during our weekend retreat, who gave up their time and energy to instruct those who sought a marriage in the Church. I thought about the couples who taught us Natural Family Planning. And I thought about the couple we met with after our FOCCUS assessment.

None of these couples are turned inward or have retreated to their “cottage by the sea,” as our priest said. They are using their gifts and their marriages to change the world for the better, no matter how small or insignificant the world might view marriage preparation to be.

And I think they’ve been great examples for Sarah and me as we begin (God granting) many, many, many years together.