Looking for love in all the right places

Local foster parents find happiness in adopted children

By J.D. Long-García | May 21, 2009 | The Catholic Sun

LITCHFIELD PARK — Mary and Dan Hernandez have taken in more than 70 different foster children. Eight of them stayed.

It started when the couple, after trying for years, couldn’t conceive another child. They wanted their daughter, Laurie, to grow up with a sibling. Now she has plenty of company.

“When you get into it, you fall in love with the children,” Mary said. “I love being a mom. I love being a foster mom.”

Including Laurie, their first five children were all girls. There’s April, who’s now 22, and Chrissy, Mandy and Bobbi Jo, who have the same biological parents.

“We decided to specialize in siblings,” Dan said. “That’s what we did for 15 years. That’s why we have a high number of kids.”

The high number also meant Dan had to work side jobs — from wedding photography and teaching college courses to being a janitor. His efforts made it possible for Mary, who had taught for eight years, to stay at home.

But Dan was the one male in the household, coexisting with six females. So the couple, parishioners at St. Thomas Aquinas in Avondale, began looking into adopting a son, but God provided something they didn’t expect.

“I asked Dan to meet me at McDonald’s,” Mary said. “That’s where we had our serious meetings.” She told Dan they were having a baby.

“Really? When are we getting him?” Dan said. It took a little explaining, but finally Dan got it: Mary was pregnant.

“It was a unique situation,” Dan said. “All of our five daughters wanted to be at the hospital.”

Daniel joined his sisters in the family, and was later joined by Christopher, Christina, Louis and Joey — who are from the same biological mother and father.

“My definition of foster kids is normal kids with messed-up parents,” Dan said. “Sometimes moms are doing drugs, prostitution… the kids are exposed to things they shouldn’t see.”

No matter what the parents have done, Dan said, the kids never blame the parents. They always blame themselves.

Some of the Hernandez girls lost their biological mother and younger sibling to AIDS. Other children had parents who just couldn’t care for them.

“It helps the kids, but it also helps the parents,” Dan explained.

The couple got into foster parenting through Catholic Charities Community Services, which helps place children into a loving, safe environment.

“For many children, foster care may be the first time in their lives that they are not afraid to be at home, or experience love in their home,” said Paul Martodam, CEO of Catholic Charities Community Services.

“Many children are deeply wounded, and as a result exhibit inappropriate behaviors,” he explained. “Foster parents are special people, willing to love with patience, understanding that it may take years of love, guidance and support to overcome years of abuse and neglect.”

As a result of Arizona state budget cuts, allowances to help foster parents provide clothing and personal needs were reduced by 20 percent. Martodam also said other services for foster kids, like transportation to medical and counseling appointments, were reduced.

“So foster parents are having to reach into their own pockets to pay for these expenses,” he said, “and some are taking time off from work to get foster children to needed appointments.”

Mary and Dan Hernandez weren’t sure how much allowance they received, but it was never enough. The couple provided much more than care, sending most of the children to Catholic schools.

“You just hear the bad things in the news,” Dan said. “But there’s a lot of foster parents and a lot of caseworkers doing great work.”

And, according to Mary, being a parent to a child from a troubled home isn’t the hard part. Neither is the added expense.

“The foster parents get the best out of the situation. They get so much love from the kids,” she said. “The hardest part is saying goodbye. You can’t help falling in love with them.”

After their family reached 10 children, Mary and Dan decided to stop being foster parents. They had been taking in children for 17 years and felt they just couldn’t give all of them the attention they deserved.

“Our mother told us just recently, ‘I love you all just the same,’” Mary’s daughter Mandy said.

After some of the kids moved out of the house, Mary and Dan found they had a little extra room. So they began taking in foster kids again three years ago.

“When she told me about it, I thought, ‘she’s crazy,’” Bobby Jo said of her mother. “But then I thought, ‘What if my mom didn’t take us in?’ Here, they’ll have a great home.”