Weak economy takes toll on domestic violence victims

By J.D. Long-García | Nov. 4, 2009 | The Catholic Sun

CHANDLER — Amy and her daughter moved into her sister’s house about a year ago. Before too long, Amy realized her sister’s husband was abusive.

She recognized his behavior quickly because Amy’s old boyfriend used to beat her up. She left him five years ago.

When her sister’s husband started hitting her a couple months ago, Amy didn’t waste time. While she hated to leave her sister behind, she took her daughter and checked into My Sister’s Place, a Catholic Charities-run shelter for women victims of domestic violence.

“It’s a real hard situation to break out of,” said Amy, who chose not to reveal her real name. “You wonder after a while if you’re the one that’s crazy.”

When she would bring up her old boyfriend’s behavior, he’d tell her she was imagining things. He’d drink on the weekends, but around midweek, when the high had passed, he’d turn on her.

Domestic violence is an issue of power and control, according to Yvonne Taylor, director of domestic violence programs for Catholic Charities.

“In some cases, there’s no physical violence, but there’s a lot of verbal abuse,” she said. “There’s a lot of threats, a lot of ‘crazy-making’ that goes on.”

While the manipulation is a constant, other things vary.

In Amy’s case, she was the breadwinner and her boyfriend took advantage of that. Throughout their three-year relationship, they’d have many breakups. He’d always call to makeup. She later realized he’d always call near paydays.

But it’s often the case that women victims don’t work, Taylor explained, and so they’re completely dependent on the abuser.

“If a woman leaves, especially in this economy, she’s going to have to fight to support her family,” she said.

Women who come to My Sister’s Place — a 25-bed shelter, which serves 355 women and children a year — are staying longer. It’s taking more time to find a job. Others go back to their abuser.

Taylor said that on average, a woman will leave her abuser seven times before making a final break. That’s for many reasons, but one of them is love.

“The trust is broken by the perpetrator,” she explained, “but that doesn’t mean the feelings go away.”

While emotional attachment and economic dependence can be obstacles for women leaving their abuser, transportation and housing are also major concerns.

“They’re having to leave instead of the abuser, but if they don’t, they won’t be safe,” said JoAnn Del-Colle, director of the Phoenix Advocacy Center, which provides comprehensive services to victims of violence.

Del-Colle said the Phoenix Police Department received 15,000 domestic violence reports last year. Every woman who comes forward, she said, represents a handful who don’t.

Nationally, some estimate as many as one in three women will be victims of physical or sexual abuse by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.

The abuse can be subtle, using guilt to control their victims. But it’ll start slow, Del-Colle said.

“You didn’t cook this right” will turn into “I’ll beat you up if I need to.” Abusers will also use their kids as pawns, “Your mommy is trying to take you away from me.”

Perpetrators isolate and control victims. They don’t let their partners see their families or have access to the phone. Some take away victims’ transportation.

The abuser will check e-mails, telephone calls, check computers to see what Web sites were visited and listen in on phone conversations.

Del-Colle also said domestic violence happens in all populations, ethnicities, ages and socio-economic levels. Some of the more heartbreaking cases for her to deal with, she said, are elderly women.

“By the time they get here, they have a lifetime of being controlled,” she said. “I’ve met women in their 70s who haven’t written a check in their life.”

At My Sister’s Place, Taylor made sure to note male victims. While most victims are female, she said a growing number are men.

“Society does a number on a man’s head, especially if he’s the victim of domestic violence,” she said. “They’re ashamed.”

While My Sister’s Place only takes in women and children, Taylor said services are available for men elsewhere in the community.

Things are also different when it’s a mother or a brother who’s the perpetrator, Taylor said.

“It’s really hard to cut those bonds,” she said. “If the perpetrator is your mom and she says she’s not going to do it again, of course the victim is going to go back. Who’s not going to believe their mom?”

While Amy and her sister were both being abused by the same man, her sister couldn’t see it.

“When the problems started, she sided with him,” Amy said. “‘He should have hit you for that because you were wrong.’ You start thinking, wow, that’s exactly what happened with me.”

Once at My Sister’s Place, Amy was welcomed into a safe haven where her basic food, housing and clothing needs were taken care of. The shelter also educates women about domestic violence so that they can understand what’s happening and how to protect themselves.

Victims also receive emotional support and help filing orders of protection. Staff and volunteers help victims with resume writing and job-interview techniques.

Children receive therapy and participate in activities like arts and crafts. Taylor said the staff works to keep the shelter homelike.

“I know a woman often goes back to her perpetrator,” Taylor said. “But to me, the fact that she left is a success. If she comes to the shelter for help, she’ll begin to understand it’s not her fault.”

Ending domestic violence

On Nov. 8, the Arizona Foundation for Women will host its annual Walk to End Domestic Violence, which will begin at 7:30 a.m. at Wesley Bolin Plaza in downtown Phoenix.

While awareness is important, Del-Colle at the Phoenix Advocacy Center said the community needs to do more.

“If we want to break the cycle, we have to start with the children,” she said. “It’s what we teach them and what we show them on a daily basis that counts. Children learn from what they see.”

Del-Colle also encouraged parishes to form safe groups where victims could turn for help.

“We need to talk about it from the pulpit,” she said. “We have to have public discussions about this not being OK.”