Part of mourning an abortion involves naming your lost child. Mothers and fathers who attend a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat name their child on the second day.
“They’re baptized in Christ. We name them,” said Catherine, who chose to withhold her identity. “We light a candle in their name. It recognizes that this is a baby.”
She went on a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat a year after she had an abortion. That’s rare. It usually takes mothers more time.
Naming a child helps mothers deal with their denial.
“They know that they’re doing something wrong, something that’s contrary to their human nature and their motherhood,” said Carmen Portela of the Office of Family Catechesis, who participated in the first Spanish-language retreat in February. “They know something is missing from their life.”
She said Rachel’s Vineyard offers post-abortive mothers the support they need from the only person they can get it from — Christ.
“The pain doesn’t go away, but they get the grace to deal with it,” Portela explained. “Where sin abounds, grace is abundant. I’ve never seen anything like that in my life.”
She noted seeing the transformation in post-abortive parents on retreat. She told one woman, who was glowing, “Your face is different today.”
“I feel free,” she answered her.
Many women are advised to have an abortion. Sometimes their parents, boyfriends or husbands pressure them to have an abortion.
“They feel empty,” Portela explained. “They feel like God will not forgive them and they blame anyone that’s involved.”
But on retreat — through confession and the Blessed Sacrament — they come to know God’s mercy.
“Women have a hard time forgiving themselves,” said Fr. Matt Lowry, who also attended the first Spanish-language Rachel’s Vineyard. “They feel really judged by the Church. In the sacrament of confession, they hear forgiveness coming from the Church.”
He stressed that “there’s no judgment at all” on the retreat.
“Part of it, too, is the power naming it,” he said. “Until we name it, it still has power over us. It breaks open the floodgates of emotion and healing.”
Post-abortive women may suffer from thoughts of suicide, an increase in alcohol and drug use and are often in abusive relationships with men, according to Nikki Westby, a counselor who works with Rachel’s Vineyard.
After an abortion, she said more than 90 percent of relationships end and women will often suffer from eating disorders and flashbacks.
“In the moment of crisis, they think an abortion will just make it better,” Westby said. Women are often angry with abortion clinics for not informing them of the consequences.
“There’s a spiritual U-turn away from God,” she said. “If they were church-going, they no longer attend.”
With all this suffering, most women who attend Rachel’s Vineyard are ready for something different.
“They’re sick of the suffering,” Westby said. “The biggest part of what we do is help the woman reconnect to herself and forgive herself. That’s the hardest part.”
Viña de Raquel
Hispanic women in crisis pregnancies often confront different issues. Many don’t tell their closest family members, said Rosie Villegas-Smith of Voces Por La Vida, a Hispanic pro-life group.
“Sometimes, they can’t even talk to their own spouse,” she said.
Some, she said, feel unsure about having a child because of their migration status.
“Hispanic women have abortions because they’re pressured to do so or they’re desperate,” Villegas-Smith said. “It’s not from lack of understanding that it’s a human being.”
Rachel’s Vineyard “recognizes that something evil was done,” she explained, “but also recognizes that God’s love is bigger.”
Fr. Paul Sullivan, director of vocations for the diocese, also attended the first Spanish-language retreat. He said that in the Hispanic culture, abortion tends to stay more hidden.
Having the support of those who speak the same language is crucial, he said. Through Viña de Raquel, men and women grieving an abortion can do so with others from similar cultures.
“Like worshipping in your native language,” he said. “You’re so much more free to express emotion.”
At the same time, there’s something about abortion that crosses cultural divides.
“You’re going at something so deep that it transcends culture,” Fr. Sullivan said.
The loss of child to abortion is a grief women want to mourn, he said. Rachel’s Vineyard gives them a place to do that, experiencing God’s love along with others who suffer the same loss.
“It’s just the beginning,” he said. “It starts the process of healing.”
After the retreat, the group meets four weeks later for a follow-up. Those affected by abortion also take part in monthly support groups, like Tears Speak at Holy Spirit Parish in Tempe.
Rachel’s Vineyard is totally confidential. The next Spanish-language retreat will take place in July.
“It’s by the grace of God that I found it,” Catherine said, noting an article she read in The Catholic Sun. “It’s very much the Paschal Mystery that you go from darkness into light. I’ve never experienced that transformation in a retreat like I did in Rachel’s Vineyard.”
Women come home from the retreat with restored hope, Westby said, knowing they’ll get another chance to meet their baby.
