BISHOP THOMAS J. OLMSTED

DECEMBER 6, 2007

The Virtue of Love

Part Two: Friendship

“A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure. A faithful friend is beyond price, no sum can balance his worth” (Sir 6:14-15).

With words of praise for friendship like these from the Sacred Scriptures, is it any wonder that we are eager to have good friends? Yet, a faithful friend is not easily found. Moreover, the direct pursuit of friendship usually renders it impossible. In addition, what some call friendship is far from the Virtue of Love. Let us consider for a moment what authentic friendship is and is not, then turn to the need for fidelity and perseverance, and then reflect on the blessing of friendship with Jesus.

What friendship is

Friendship, says C.S. Lewis in “The Four Loves” (p. 58), is “the least natural of loves; the least instinctive, organic, biological, gregarious and necessary. It has least commerce with our nerves, there is nothing throaty about it; nothing that quickens the pulse or turns you red and pale.” Friendship is built neither on erotic impulses nor family affections but on a common commitment or shared interest in something that is good and true.

Friendship arises out of companionship and occurs when, to our surprise, we discover another person who shares with us a common insight or commitment. A good example of this is the friendship between St. Basil the Great and St. Gregory Nazianzen. In the late fourth century, Basil and Gregory met in Athens, Greece, where they had come as students. Gregory describes how the friendship began to blossom, “When, in the course of time, we acknowledged our friendship and recognized that our ambition was a life of true wisdom, we became everything to each other… The same hope inspired us: the pursuit of learning. This is an ambition especially subject to envy. Yet between us there was no envy. On the contrary, we made capital out of our rivalry. Our rivalry consisted, not in seeking the first place for oneself but in yielding it to the other, for we each looked on the other’s success as his own… Our single object and ambition was virtue, and a life of hope in the blessings that are to come… We followed the guidance of God’s law and spurred each other on to virtue.”

Friendship cannot be forced, it cannot be pursued and won. Whoever seeks friends usually comes up empty. As C.S. Lewis writes (Ibid, p. 66-67), “The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends. Where the truthful answer to the question ‘Do you see the same truth?’ would be ‘I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a Friend,’ no Friendship can arise… There would be nothing for Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something… Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers.”

Friendship arises by God’s providence among those who are committed to a similar goodness and truth. As they pursue these, they discover another person pursuing the same. This discovery, not directly sought out, but happily welcomed, is the foundation for friendship. This also explains why friendship cannot exist where virtue is lacking. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches (#2346), “The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship… Chastity is expressed notably in friendship with one’s neighbor. Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all. It leads to spiritual communion.”

Preserving friendship

“Should you speak sharply to a friend, fear not, you can be reconciled” (Sir 22:22). These words from the Bible bolster our hope of persevering as friends and of restoring friendship when it has been harmed through our own fault or the shortcomings of another. In fact, since friendship occurs between two imperfect persons (except of course with Jesus and His Blessed Mother), it can only be preserved by regular doses of patience and forgiveness. Far from being a burden too heavy to carry, such efforts are well worth the energy and time. After all, not only does friendship become stronger through forgiveness, we ourselves become more “Christlike” in doing so.

Isn’t it interesting that in the only parable of Jesus that turns around friendship, the emphasis is on perseverance (Cf. Luke 11:5-8)? Notice, too, that Jesus speaks of the experience of friendship in order to teach the importance of persevering in prayer.

Jesus calls us friends

At the Last Supper, Jesus says (Jn 15:14-15), “You are my friends if you do what I command you. I no longer speak of you as slaves, for a slave does not know what his master is about. Instead, I call you friends, since I have made known to you all that I heard from my Father.”

Friendship with Jesus comes to us as a priceless gift, won for us on the Cross (Cf. Jn 15:13). It goes beyond what we could ever deserve. The initiative belongs entirely with Christ (Jn 15:16), “It was not you who chose me, it was I who chose you to go forth and bear fruit.” The fact that Jesus takes the initiative, that He desires our friendship even more than we, should make our hearts overflow with awe and gratitude.

The love of Christ, which redeemed the whole world, finds concrete, personal expression for us in the very human experience of friendship. It meets our deepest longing to be loved even as it motivates us and requires us to “do what He commands us.” Notice what He commands us to do (Jn 15:17), “The command I give you is this, that you love one another.” Friendship with Christ makes it possible for us to be friends with others, and even to love those who hate or persecute us.

Jesus Himself sets the example of how to be a friend. Notice how he earned a reputation for friendship with persons often scorned by others in society. Jesus says, in defense of His love for society’s outcasts (Lk 7:34), “The Son of Man came and he both ate and drank, and you say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’”

Equally inspiring for us is the friendship that Jesus had with Lazarus and his sisters Mary and Martha (Cf. John 11:1-45). When Lazarus died, we see in very human terms the depths of Jesus’ friendship with him (11:35-36), “Jesus began to weep, which caused the Jews to remark, ‘See how much he loved him!’”

In the next issue of The Catholic Sun, we shall take up another form of the Virtue of Love, the one that is most difficult for us and yet the one that Jesus inspires us to do, namely the love of our enemies.

Copyright 2007 The Catholic Sun.

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