Dec. 21, 2006

‘Honor your father and your mother’

“Sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.” These words of William Shakespeare (Cf. King Lear) remind us, by contrast, of the respect and gratitude that we owe our parents. This debt is so profound that God gave us the Fourth Commandment: “Honor your father and your mother.”

The Wisdom literature of the Bible frequently returns to this theme. For example, in the Book of Sirach (7:27-28), God says, “With your whole heart honor your father; your mother’s birthpangs forget not. Remember, of these parents you were born; what can you give them for all they gave you.” With good reason, the Catechism of the Catholic Church points to a grateful heart as the basis for honoring our parents (Cf. # 2215). How, then, do we honor them?

More than lip service

Jesus has harsh words for those who find excuses for not obeying the Fourth Commandment (Cf. Mt 15:1-9). He is referring here, it should be remembered, to the duties of all children, little ones and adults. Honoring our parents, throughout our lives, requires more than just pretty words and nice intentions.

Just as parenting requires concrete acts of love and daily effort, so do children’s duties to mother and father. We see this illustrated repeatedly in the Sacred Scriptures. For example, the Lord says in Proverbs (28:24), “He who defrauds father or mother and calls it no sin is a partner of the brigand.” And in the Book of Sirach, we read (3:12), “My son, take care of your father when he is old; grieve him not as long as he lives.”

Not surprisingly, the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches (CCC #2218), “The Fourth Commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. Jesus recalls this duty of gratitude.”

Beyond obedience

It is interesting to note that the Fourth Commandment uses the word “honor” instead of the word “obey.” While there can be no doubt that obedience to one’s parents is encompassed in this commandment (Cf. CCC #2216, Prov. 6:20-22), the word “honor” calls us to even greater responsibilities. Moreover, it accentuates the kind of personal relationships that are needed in the family and in the larger society, ones characterized by respect, kindness and care.

Each family is designed by God and given the grace to be a community of faith, hope and charity. The communion of persons, which is founded on the marriage bond, reaches in love beyond husband and wife, embracing the children of each holy union and extending to the extended family and to the sick, the elderly and the poor.

Not surprisingly, the Fourth Commandment has always been understood as laying the ground for honor and respect in the larger society. In this regard, the Catechism teaches (CCC #2207), “The family is the original cell of social life… Authority, stability, and a life of relationships within the family constitute the foundations for freedom, security, and fraternity within society. The family is the community in which, from childhood, one can learn moral values, begin to honor God, and make good use of freedom. Family life is an initiation into life in society.”

Yet family ties are not absolute

While society cannot be healthy without families that are healthy, family ties are not absolute. There is a higher authority, from which the family itself derives its origin, namely divine fatherhood (Cf. Eph 3:14), and to which a greater allegiance is due.

This is why Jesus says (Mt 10:37-38), “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me.”

Because we live in a world that is fractured by sin, all our human relationships, even the most primary ones of husband and wife and also of parents and children, experience the sad effects of sin. It is a tragic fact that even the best family relationships suffer from sin’s poison and some are completely shattered. Thus, a number of us experience the reality that Jesus warns us about (Lk 21:16): “You will even be handed over by parents, brothers, relatives, and friends, and they will put some of you to death.”

At the same time, the virtues that are forged in family life by obedience to the Fourth Commandment sustain most of us through difficult times and keep us faithful in love to God and to one another. When family relationships are built on truth and love, they will last forever and they will never get in the way of the higher call of obedience to God.

Role of parents

Even though the Fourth Commandment explicitly mentions only the duty of children to their parents, it also implies that parents have special duties toward their children. They are, by God’s design, their first teachers.

They teach first by example, by the love they have as husband and wife for one another, and by the way they make their home a place of forgiveness, prayer, respect and service. When parents acknowledge their own failings and patiently endure difficulties in life, they show their children the virtues of fidelity, patience and perseverance.

Building on the foundation that good example sets, parents should not doubt that they have the grace and the ability to educate their children in the faith, and to teach them to pray and to worship. As the Catechism points out (CCC # 2225), “Through the grace of the sacrament of marriage, parents receive the responsibility and privilege of evangelizing their children. Parents should initiate their children at an early age into the mysteries of the faith of which they are the ‘first heralds’ for their children. They should associate them from their tenderest years with the life of the Church.”

Not infrequently, however, this primary obligation of parents to their children is neglected. Far too many parents believe that it is the Church who has the primary responsibility to teach their children about the faith. But this is not true. Moreover, experience shows conclusively that the catechesis obtained from either Catholic schools or religious education programs has little effect if the faith is not reinforced and modeled in the home. This necessary dynamic is based on the fact that the family is a “domestic church.”

First school of love

Where, by God’s design, does a child learn to love God and neighbor? The family is the first school of love. For love is built on relationships between persons. Since nothing is more personal in quality than love, nothing is more needed to come to full maturity in Christ.

We learn to love by first being loved. That is how we discover that we are lovable. Parents are the first by God’s design to love their children, handing on to them what they themselves have received from God, thereby giving them what is essential in order to love in return. It is incumbent that parents teach their children to love in the image of how God loves. Their own example of self-giving helps their children to understand, in turn, how to love God and neighbor.

When children discover they are loved, and when they stop to ponder the discovery, their hearts overflow with gratitude. This gratitude ignites love in return, love of God and of others. In this way, the words of St. John are fulfilled (I Jn 4:10-11): “In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as expiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another.”

Copyright 2006 The Catholic Sun.