At one of my bridal showers back in the 1990s, I received a litany of marital advice. I was young, the first of my siblings to get married, and I listened with sharp attention. Now, decades later, I clearly remember advice given by one of the older church ladies in attendance: 

“Never admit you know how to turn on the barbecue or start the lawn mower.” 

That was it. 

In the first decade of marriage, I did try to respect that wisdom. But by the time we had four children and a chaotic schedule — my husband was traveling for long stretches — I simply could not continue to honor it. If I wanted dinner grilled, I had to let go of that advice. 

As my oldest child now finds himself in the blissful season of marriage preparation and engaged to a lovely young woman he met in college, it’s their turn to receive advice. I find myself pondering exactly what I would say if asked directly. 

The guiding principle that has helped me most in 26 years of marriage is the simple recognition that love is a choice. To love is to will the good of another. We choose daily, sometimes hourly, to love one another. Love is an act of the will, not a passive emotion that guides our behavior. It’s an active decision. So, this must be my one central piece of advice to my son and his bride: 

Choose to love your spouse. Choose to honor your wedding vows. Choose the good of the other. And love your spouse out of love for God, because He has given you to one another. 

A marriage with God at the center is a marriage with love at the center. God is love, and He will always call us deeper into it. When you choose to love, you choose God because God is love. He cannot be separated from the act of loving, for He is the source of all love. It’s through the very act of loving that we come to know Him. 

We hear in Scripture: “Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God.” (1 Jn 4:7) 

Marriage is hard because life is hard. Our vocation is our path to holiness, and holiness does not come without sacrifice. Gazing upon the crucifix, we see sacrifice and love intertwined and inseparable. If it were easy, we wouldn’t need a Savior. If we could love perfectly all the time, we wouldn’t need God’s mercy and forgiveness. 

In a healthy marriage built around a mutual love of God, there is an abundance of mercy to cover our human imperfections as we strive to choose love. With God’s grace we can choose to love despite one another’s flaws. 

When we lack patience or kindness and the relationship is strained, it’s often because somewhere along the way we forgot to choose love. We failed to practice patience with our spouse’s imperfections and kindness when they were in need. Instead, perhaps we chose self-protection and defensiveness — building fortifications, going on the attack or looking for an escape route. 

But choosing love means something different. It means choosing to lose oneself in love and to lean into the struggle with humility, invite the Holy Spirit into the situation, ask for guidance and respond with patience.  

“Love is patient, love is kind” (1 Cor 13) may be one of the most frequently used wedding readings of all time. Yet, we often forget that patience and kindness are choices. 

Love is chosen when we choose their preference over our own. Love is chosen when we set aside our plans or desires and take up our spouse’s dreams as our own. Love is chosen when we get out of bed to respond to a child’s cries, even when it isn’t our turn. When both husband and wife die to themselves out of love for the other and act in this sacrificial way, they open themselves to God’s grace. Their individual plans are replaced by His greater plan for their union. 

When your marriage is stressed — as all marriages are from time to time — lean into each other, not away. Take time to pray. But stay; don’t escape. Distraction, division, deception and despair are corrosive to a marriage. Yet, we often give in to them rather than choosing love when it’s difficult. When you feel the pull to distract yourself, to isolate or to hide your true feelings, recognize these as movements away from love. 

My marital advice is simple to understand, though difficult to live out perfectly. God willing, you will have a long marriage in which to practice: 

Choose to love, over and over — again and again — without pause, without doubt, without fail. Simply choose to love.