“How many of you know three couples who have the kind of marriage you want? They’re happy, they’re faithful, they love each other, they have a sense of humor, they’re open to life?”

It’s a question Deacon Mark Lishko and his wife Barb pose every time they stand before a roomful of couples who are engaged to be married. The answers are a stunner: Over 13 years of ministry with thousands of couples, fewer than 10-percent raise their hands, Deacon Mark said.

Aarthi and Jude D’Costa would be part of that tiny, blessed group.

The couple married in their native Mumbai, India, 10 years ago and have grown close to the Lishkos since then. “They were very candid about a lot of things to do with marriage and family, so we felt that we could confidently reach out to them and speak to them when issues came up,” Aarthi shared.

“The first thing about them is they’re very approachable,” Jude added.

The D’Costas are nearly 9,000 miles away from their homeland and, between that and the 12-hour time difference, life in suburban America can feel detached from precious family ties.

That’s where the Lishkos stepped in.

“The really kind and wonderful thing about them is they have included us in their family Christmases or special occasions or even Easter,” Aarthi said. “They’ve gone out of their way to make us feel warm and welcome.”

They’ve also been there for the tough times, like when Aarthi and Jude experienced the tragedy of miscarriage. The Lishkos themselves had suffered a miscarriage early in their marriage and spoke about it in a presentation to couples at St. Andrew, the Chandler, Ariz., parish the D’Costas belong to and the community the Lishkos served for several years.

“We knew the first person we wanted to reach out to was them. They were so understanding,” Aarthi said. “They didn’t make our situation seem smaller, trivialize it or make it seem like it was commonplace.

“They were very sympathetic and empathetic.”

Barb still sheds tears about the child she and Deacon Mark lost decades ago. Today, the couple has five adult children, plus a bumper crop of 20 grandchildren. And because the two families have enjoyed holidays and special occasions together, Aarthi and Jude have become friends with the entire Lishko clan.

“It’s one thing when your parents are bringing in their friends and guests,” Aarthi said. “It’s a whole different thing when even the children are happily welcoming them. We have felt so loved.”

Growing together

As part of their marriage ministry at St. Andrew, the Lishkos came up with clever ways to meet the needs of young married couples. From a series called “Love and Respect” to “Agape Nights,” these unique approaches with an eye toward bolstering Catholic spirituality kept couples growing in love and faith.

“Love and Respect” is a 10-week series that includes dinner and child care. “Agape Nights” feature 30 minutes of Eucharistic adoration followed by confession, a short talk by a priest and dessert with fellowship.

A frequent topic of discussion was the critical area of communication. The D’Costas said they learned plenty from the sessions, including that much of the way they communicated with each other had to do with how they had been brought up, and that men and women communicate differently.

“There are times when you have to break the deadlock,” Jude said. “When both of us are angry with each other, then (we need to be) a little humble and (try) to break that deadlock first.”

When it comes to tough conversations, Barb has not demurred.

“She’s not just listening to me; she’s also calling me out when I’m wrong,” Aarthi said.

The Lishkos, for their part, have great affection for the younger couple they’ve mentored. They laud the couple’s commitment to straightforward, honest communication, even when it’s tough.

“I think they’re both beautiful souls,” Barb said. “I love their faith and their openness to life.” The D’Costas have four children under the age of 9.

“It’s quite one after the other, basically,” Jude said, “but it’s been a blessing.” And unusual in their homeland of India. Most Indian families have just one or two children due to social conditioning and an unofficial state policy that discourages larger families, the D’Costas explained.

“There was a lot of joy and acceptance within our immediate family — there was never any sort of discussion on that side,” Jude said. “But once you get out of that, you know, it’s like, hmm, eyebrows raised and all that.” The Lishkos were very supportive of the D’Costas’ zest for welcoming babies.

A scant 1.5-percent of the population of India is Catholic, so living the faith deeply develops fortitude. Deacon Mark said he and Barb were struck by the sheer strength of the D’Costas’ faith.

“Every Sunday, they’d be at Mass. Every holiday, or holy day of obligation. You would see them in the confessional line, and they would do everything as a family,” Deacon Mark said.

The D’Costas brought some of the ministries they had been involved with in India — particularly healing — to St. Andrew. They’ve also shared their culture in the parish’s annual multicultural festival. 

“They have just enriched us all on so many levels,” Barb said.

So what’s the best advice the Lishkos have for any couple?

“You got to pray together because with God, all things are possible,” Deacon Mark said. “If you are anchored in the Rock, you might get beat up, but you’ll never be lost at sea.”

The Lishkos said the D’Costas are living witnesses of faith in action and holy matrimony. And while the Lishkos have more years of marriage experience, they don’t necessarily know more, they said. They believe that in His providence, God brought the two families together.