How do we teach our children to face challenges — and where is God in it all?
Somehow, I ended up on the Struggle Bus, a season of hardship, this year. As the days melted into months, I kept looking for my stop — my chance to hop off and step into a season free of stress or conflict. But that stop never came. So, I settled in for the long ride and wondered how to bring my family along.
Years ago, during a time of grief, I asked a priest how to shield my children from the pain my husband and I were facing. His answer was one word: “Don’t.” I’ve thought about that advice a lot this past year. If we hide life’s hard parts from our kids, we do them a disservice. Just as we model love and kindness, we also have the opportunity — and the responsibility — to model fortitude, courage, perseverance and surrender. If we shield them from struggle, we give them an incomplete picture of adulthood.
Children are naturally egocentric. They tend to think the world revolves around them and don’t always realize others have different perspectives. As they mature, they begin to understand that people experience things differently. But it’s a slow process. Sharing a bit of our own struggles, in age-appropriate ways, can help nurture empathy and perspective in them. It also gives our children a model of how to respond to struggles such that you grow with the Lord in the midst of the stress.
This doesn’t mean oversharing or drawing children into situations that are frightening or beyond their capacity to understand. There’s a balance. I don’t expect my 13-year-old daughter to become my therapist. But I can tell her that I’m facing a tough situation and may need a little extra grace and help. I can reassure her it won’t last forever, but for now, things are rough, and I am relying on the Lord’s strength to get me through. Whether it’s a time crunch, a financial challenge or a health issue, letting her know that I’m in the middle of something hard helps her see faith and fortitude in action.
Kids often pick up on more than we realize. If they sense anxiety or tension without explanation, it can leave them feeling unsettled. Giving them some insight and maybe a way they can help can ease their worry and give them a sense of purpose, too. Maybe they can take on an extra chore, or maybe pray a Hail Mary or a Memorare for this intention. When kids know how to help, it gives them a sense of agency. Loving family members want to help, but often we need to show them how.
When we show our children some of our struggles (rather than shield them), it gives them a more realistic understanding of the difficulties life brings. My father used to say, “If you’re not tired at the end of the day, you didn’t work hard enough.” A realistic expectation for the day is that it may be tough. But hard isn’t bad. We shouldn’t fear difficulty and we should help our children to expect it — and to face it with the Lord. When we’re honest with our children about life’s difficulties, we can help them expect hardship and handle it with the Lord, keeping an eternal perspective.
There are five simple words I often use with my kids: You can do hard things.
This phrase is powerful because it acknowledges the challenge while affirming their strength which comes from the Lord, Who in His infinite wisdom is allowing the circumstance. You’re not dismissing their struggle; you’re showing them you believe they are capable. We all need a reminder of Philippians sometimes. “I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.” With God at our side, we can do anything.
Too often, we try to eliminate problems to create a happy life for our children. But happiness isn’t the goal. Holiness is the goal. Instead of clearing the path, we should focus on building a home grounded in virtue, one that values courage, perseverance and faith. Our goal isn’t comfort, but unity with God, both now and for eternity.
As I reflect on this past year with its twists and turns, I have to admit that it wasn’t all bad. I wasn’t alone on the Struggle Bus. The Lord was with me every mile. Maybe that’s the most important lesson of all: He may ask great things of us, but He never asks us to walk alone. He’s beside us, every step of the way.
